An Open Love Letter to Katrina Kaif
I know you must be receiving thousands of fan mail daily. Hence, in my desire to show how I am your biggest fan, I thought I will write you this open letter. At the outset, I must thank Music Aloud for being so generous to offer me their website as a platform for expressing my seven seas crossing love for you.
Generally, they expect me to review new movie releases, however I cannot even think of reviewing a movie in which not only do you star but even the title is after you –Mere Brother Ki Dulhan (MBKD)!If Salman can have such mad following for the rubbish he dishes out each week, you certainly deserve better. Also, such love from my heart sometimes flows for Priyanka/Deepika also, but don’t get jealous, for a full 24 hours after watching the movie it will only be you on my mind.
I must tell you Katrina that I was in the worst possible mood before the movie began. Being stood up on a movie date kind of kick started the bad mood. To top it all the retarded ticket guy assigned my single ticket between two pairs of coochie cooing teenage lovers. If any such species are reading this then please don’t be at it during my favourite pre movie vicco advertisement atleast. Yeah, the same one in which the firang misunderstands the holy cow (gaay) for a guy and then goes on to destroy every rock on earth with his vicco strengthened teeth. Touch of genius that I tell you.
So as the credits rolled, you were my only hope to make the sadness choomantar <see the depth of my admiration, I have innocently promoted your song also>. But first came the Pak actor Ali Zafar (the ‘brother’ in the title) and started with his lethal combination of bad dialogue delivery and distorted hand gestures while giving the task of finding his dulhan to his brother (Imran Khan).
Imran, in true filmi style meets a few mundane girls before finding you through a matrimonial advertisement. Then you appear on screen! It was as if all sorrow from the earth was wiped out, everything was rosy again. And India was winning in England. Erm…well not the last part.
Anyways, whattey smashing entry song, Dhunki! Neha Bhasin is rocking on the vocals but you showed who the real rockstar is. (Okay, sorry, will not use the term Rockstar again)
And I noticed even the noises from the neighbouring seats stopped as they stared in amazement on screen much to anger of their girls.I so completely believed that you were the wild rebellious hippie wanting to enjoy a no-holds-barred-but- no-casual-sex-also life. My neighbouring seat girl dint think so, stupid jealous girl was mocking you. I threw caramel popcorn at her.
You were looking for settling down after all the dissenting against society and hence agreed for arranged marriage. I almost laughed aloud when the Pak guy officially approved you after your skype chat. I mean which idiot will let go off the opportunity to marry you in reel or real life! Except Imran in the movie of course, but he too realizes later what a mistake he made by passing you on to his brother.
As you and Imran over the next few scenes discovered your love for each other, I was wondering who wouldn’t fall for your half goofy half childish act really — how fully cute it was!
“She can’t act to save her life, she is making her character look so silly”, hissed the same evil neighbour girl. This time I dropped some Pepsi on her jeans, accidentally of course. She shrieked and went off to the bathroom. I wanted to give someone a high five, looked eagerly at her bf but decided against it after the scornful look in his eyes.
Coming back to the movie, I was waiting for the post interval part since I was full excited about the plan that Imran had in mind to get you and him out of the royal mess he had created himself. To give credit to him, staying true to the produce YRF’s tradition, he refuses to run away with the bride, “Samaaj kya kahenga, apne bhabhi ke saath bhaaggaya”, he quips.
And what a brilliant plan he comes up with. Though somehow I kept feeling that I had seen some parts of it in several movies before, but just when I was thinking about it, two of your trademark songs came. First ‘Madhubala’ and then ‘Do Dhaari Talwaar’ and your dance moves in each of the songs made me forget everything else. Even the story was a blur post the two songs. The poor other girl who was dancing with you in skimpy clothes in the latter song, don’t think anyone will ever notice her with you in the same frame!
After Imran’s master plan had all worked, I was feeling sad that your movie is about to come to an end. Then suddenly another twist came, which extended the movie by 15-20 minutes more. Though I could hear words like stretched and dragging a lot in the audience, this devoted fan of yours didn’t feel an inch of it. I truly enjoyed more big screen viewing time of yours.
All in all Katrina, I thoroughly enjoyed the experience of MBKD. It is truly a pleasure to see you on screen. Just one request, next time you meet Imran can you please tell him to not appear to be trying so hard on screen. It just doesn’t seem natural sometimes. Of course, that is only in his solo scenes, when you are sharing screen time with him, everything seems completely normal and incredibly funny. I wonder why I alone was finding it so funny, could barely hear the laughter from the rest of the theatre. But then again, fools inhabit the world; sometimes they even call themselves Manish Tewari.
Anyways, I am planning to camp outside your house tonight in a bid to get a glimpse of you in real life. Soif you find someone with a heart balloon standing on your gate, don’t shoo him away!
And keep the awesome dance moves coming!
Your forever fervent fan,
Dessert Note (DN, as desserts are served after main course, a dessert note is served after the main article): Some friends of mine suggested that the movie was 2/5, I disagree completely. How can this movie of Katrina be any less than 10/5?